Will I ever find love? It’s such an over-the-top question, but it’s one I find myself anxiously pondering fairly often. I’m 23, and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. Only dates and awkward failed attempts at being a “boyfriend” before I came out as trans. That in itself isn’t an entirely unheard of phenomenon. Lots of people take a long time before they begin their first serious relationship, but for me this question fits in the center of a large pattern of various anxieties I have about my life and how it will unfold, especially as I attempt to more boldly assert my queerness, my transness, my nonbinary gender, and my femininity in every facet of my life. The language we use to speak about who or what we are attracted to often uses vocabulary that hinges on the idea that there is a gender binary with two opposing but complementary genders: man and woman. To be heterosexual means to first be either a man or woman, and then be attracted to that gender which you are not. To be homosexual means to first be either a man or woman and then to be attracted to that same gender as you are. Bisexual’s meaning can be kind of complicated, but at least when it comes to dating apps, it means that you are either a man or woman and are attracted to both men and women. Pansexual and queer blur the lines further, which is great, but even then, “all genders” is spoken about in the abstract. I find myself wondering, who is attracted to my gender? My one gender out of billions if not more possible genders. I am made up of so many characteristics that should seemingly be attractive to people attracted to femininity or masculinity or both. However, my unique set of contradictions often leave me ruled out as a potential partner for most cis people right from the start, whatever their sexuality label is. And although I know some beautiful and amazing trans people, I just haven’t ever lived in a place with a dense enough population of single trans people to successfully find someone I’m compatible with. In most of the places I’ve lived, my options are predominantly cis people. Thinking about romance often leaves me feeling overwhelmed, anxious, self-conscious, and powerless, which is difficult because romance is also something I want to feel so badly.

Those thoughts, and the numerous times my heart has let me fall for cis people who its clear they will never reciprocate my feelings, lay the back story for what inspired my new album “I Will.” After a good amount of introspection (and crying) from a recent episode of letting myself fall for a cis person to no avail, I began to realize just how much power over me I give to things I have no control over. Not even just romantically. While I can’t control whether I fit into someone’s (socioculturally informed and thus also often cis-normative) sexual preferences, I also can’t control the perceptions of people to me or my gender presentation. At the end of the day I don’t have direct control over whether I get a certain job or opportunity. I can’t control the decisions my friends or family make. I can’t control whether I lose people in my life or opportunities through asserting my queerness and transness. I decided that this album was instead going to be about finding power in the things that I have control over.

I was hoping this album would be really upbeat and happy, because my last album was very overcast and emotional. But the more I tried to write that album the more it felt forced. I realized that I’m not in a place yet where I can make that kind of album. So this album still has a lot of melancholy and frustration at its core (although it has a few happy or hopeful moments here and there). But I aimed to make an album that was as confident, self-assured, and encouraging as it was sad, exhausted, and pissed off. And I wanted to dance too.

Keeping all that in mind I made 16 tracks that are kind of all over the place sonically, but deep down they are all lofi, catchy, unashamedly queer, indie-pop tracks that touch on these themes of control and the lack thereof and the effects they can have on relationships of all kinds. The title of the album, “I Will,” comes from the chorus of one of the album’s tracks, “If Nobody Is Going To Call Me Baby, I Will.” I just loved hearing myself say that. “I will.” I just had these feelings of happiness knowing that self-love and self-care can fill in some of the gaps I’m feeling in my life right now. It won’t fix everything. But it’ll help. And this thing that will help is something I have control over. I don’t have self-love down pat completely yet, but after making this album I feel closer than I’ve ever felt in my life which is a good feeling.

With regards to the sounds, some of the tracks are my takes on shoegaze/dream-pop, some are these weird attempts at making really distorted country pop, some are inspired by guitar shredding rock acts like Waxahatchee, some are inspired by PC Music, some are inspired by Frank Ocean, Sufjan Stevens, Rihanna, Björk, Perfume Genius, Charli XCX, Grimes, Britney Spears, Robyn, Caribou, the xx, Suicide, Lil Yachty, First Aid Kit, old nevershoutnever!, old Blink-182, the Golden Girls theme song, and this very interesting hip hop artist I’ve been listening to lately named Killavesi. I really tried to push the sound I was experimenting with on the first album as far as I could take it. Each song is like a weird soup made of recorded audio that sounds weird separately but meshes, in my eyes at least, very well together. And I tried to keep it as polished as I could while recording everything with a Rock Band microphone. I experimented with multi-tracked vocal harmonies. I pushed myself so hard with this sound that I think I’m going to have to find another synth or instrument or sound palette to play with for whatever I do next. Haha. But I’m very proud of the result, and if others who listen to it can get something out of it that will make me very happy too.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me through both albums. Please let me know what you think. I already have some ideas for the next record, but I’m going to try to do some hiking and traveling and get out of my house for a bit and let the inspiration hit me while I’m out and about haha.

~Wren